Anger vs Appreciation

What do you do when you can feel the anger building inside of you and you don't know how to let it out?  I am getting angry and I hate that feeling, the feeling of losing control and that you could snap at any moment.  Little things that normally wouldn't bother me are pushing me to the edge.  My mind is spewing hateful thoughts already...What happens when my mouth catches up?!  Some unlucky soul is going to cross my path one day (probably soon) and it's not going to be good. 

I just read a post from one of the groups I am in that was written by a dad about his son's story and about his survival.  Please don't get me wrong, I am so glad that his son survived but something he said struck a huge nerve with me.  He said something along the line that if you doubt God then learn a lesson from his story because he never doubted his son wouldn't be okay and look now...He survived.  This pissed me off beyond belief.  Did MY son DIE because I didn't believe?  That my faith wasn't strong enough? That I didn't believe in Waylon enough? Because I'm not a good enough person?  I'm sure I'm reading into this too much, but don't tell me my son died because I didn't TRUST in God enough.  The way he worded this made it seem to me that only parents who trust fully in God will have babies that survive.  When I voiced this same thing to my very rational husband he asked me why I let things like this bother me, but like I said...This anger is eating at me and normal things that wouldn't bother me are now consuming my thoughts.

This leads to me to another issue...Losing your child makes you look at life completely different and makes you completely aware of your surroundings.  Last weekend I went to lunch with Gracyn and she being her normal one year old self was waving at everyone who went by our table.  I noticed a woman walk past us several times ignoring Gracyn's waves and refusing to make eye contact.  At first I thought no big deal...I don't expect everyone to think my daughter is as adorable as I do.  But then I was watching this woman with her family.  She loudly complained that the table wasn't clean, that the table was "too long" and then the food got there and loudly complained when her order was missing some food. The scowl on her face made it very clear she was not a happy woman. Every ounce of my being wanted to go over to this woman and shake her and tell her that things could be so much worse.  Who CARES?!  Do you really want to complain about things that DON'T MATTER.  Please step in my shoes for a moment and realize there is so much more meaningful things to worry about.  How clean your table is is not really on the scale of "important things" in life when you can pick up a napkin and do it yourself!

Through all of this I have realized how precious life is (and how short it is).  Even though Waylon isn't with me now I am blessed to be his mom and that I was able to spend 32 weeks with this miracle.  He taught me more in those 32 weeks then I can even comprehend at the moment.  God trusted me to be his mom and to care for him as well as I could when he was here.  This lil guy opened my eyes to be thankful for what I do have...a loving husband, an energetic fun-loving daughter, and a huge group of family, friends, and coworkers that would do anything for us.  Even complete strangers that would take time out of their day to send us a message to express their sympathy for losing Waylon. 

I wish people would be satisfied with life enough to appreciate what they DO have. In our world today everyone wants, wants, and wants more...It's never enough. Take time in your day to appreciate what you have and remember to enjoy the little things. The morning sunrise, the sound of your children's laughter, or even a stranger holding open the door for you. What happened to our world that we all forgot to enjoy the little things in life? Take a moment and really look around...Don't walk through life with blinders on because there is so much more to see and appreciate. 

Even though I can feel this anger building, I am torn....I feel like I could go either way at this point.  I am more aware of the little things, I appreciate life more....BUT a part of me is still angry that my son isn't here to enjoy it with me.  That the dreams I had for him were taken away.  How can you feel such two polar-opposite emotions at the same time?  I have to make the conscious effort to look at all of the positives.  I don't want to be filled with anger and hate for the rest of my life...but sometimes I slip and let the anger take hold.  I'm not going to lie...It's hard.