The Elephant in the Room...

I was tempted to not even write this post because it could very easily be taken the wrong way. Having a child is one of the most exciting and happiest times in your life...until it goes completely wrong.  Then your view on life changes. This post was a tough one to write. It's a conversation many probably don't know how to handle around me.  So instead of awkward silence, I figured I'm going to address the elephant in the room.  That elephant would be how I feel or handle when I find out that friends or family are expecting new little ones, being around pregnant people, or when those babies are born.  Maybe it's me that considers this the elephant and no one else does...but honestly I feel like people are scared, nervous, or whatever around me.

Let me preface this post with one thing....Life is a miracle.  It's amazing that we HAVE healthy babies when the list of things that could go wrong is so long. Every pregnancy is a true blessing, do not take that for granted. I don't EVER wish infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss on anyone.  However, it is more common than many realize and my wish is that others would understand the other side of the story.  I'm also not trying to loop infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss in one category because each journey is different.  All I ask is that you try to understand my point of view, this is my feelings not how someone else may feel.

Every time I see a picture of a bulging pregnant belly, sonogram picture, or announcement that a little one is on the way I AM truly happy for that couple. Unfortunately, that happiness is covered by the dark feelings of my own grief.  I lose my breath, I *feel* like I've been punched in the stomach.  As your dreams for your new little one are blossoming, the dark reality that the dreams I had for Waylon are gone creep into the forefront of my mind. It is just TOO much for me to handle at moments.  Its like the wound is exposed all over again.  Each time it feels like it was just yesterday that Waylon died.  It makes me relive that moment they put my son in my arms and he was already gone. At one point, I had the same dreams...a life of diapers, sleepless nights, feedings, coo's, crawling, walking, smiles and laughs.  I will never get these moments with Waylon and yes it makes me bitter. I'd apologize for feeling bitter...but at the moment I can't help how I feel.

Those who haven't experienced any trial or tribulation to conceive or have a child get to live in a nice bubble of happiness.  This bubble is perfect and happy with no worries.  Well my bubble was burst into a million pieces the moment Waylon was diagnosed with CDH and furthermore when we lost him.  I will never get that bubble back no matter how hard I try.  I don't HATE you for that bubble of happiness, for at one time I had a bubble too.  Like I said, life is truly a miracle...so thank your lucky stars if you get to hold your baby in your arms every night.  At times, I do throw a pity-party for myself.  I want my son back. I would do ANYTHING to have him back.  To have those moments with him, to hold him in my arms.

The only thing that pulls me through is my own miracle...my daughter.  Like I said, at one point I had that bubble. I am grateful I went through my first pregnancy with the everyday worries like nausea, sore back, or being afraid I'd pee my pants at every sneeze, cough, laugh, (or movement).  To feel actual joy and happiness.  To not even be AWARE of the things that could go wrong.  I was free of those worries at one time.

While I'm on this whole elephant thing, let me throw this out there too...don't let Waylon be the elephant in the room.  Please don't be afraid to ask me about him, mention his name, or ask me about my pregnancy. I love to talk about my kids (who doesn't).  On the other hand, don't be afraid to talk to me about YOUR own kids.  It is theraputic to hear "normal" stories of the every day happenings.  Please don't let ME be the elephant in the room either, don't be afraid to talk to me or mention your pregnancy.  I am truly happy for each miracle of life, but when no one else is watching I grieve for what I lost.