10 Years Later...Thank You

Dear Waylon,

How has it been 10 years? An entire decade since I set my eyes on you and held you in my arms. Sometimes it does feel like it was decades ago, other times, I *feel* that moment like it was yesterday. I often wonder how I muddled through the fog, through the grief, as I did in the days, weeks, months, years following the day you died. There is still a very definite before and after, and I am a completely different version of myself than I was before. 

So much has happened in 10 years, but the magnitude of you not being with us is still felt daily. Oh, how I wonder who you would be, what you would look like, what your personality would be, your hobbies, what would make you smile... I cannot dwell on those thoughts though, because this world wasn't meant for you. As I noted on the day of your death, you were meant to be an angel. To guide, to watch over us, to live on within our hearts, and to love us from afar. 

As hard as the last decade has been, I do have to say, "Thank You"...your short time on Earth has blessed us in many unforeseen ways. 

First, I am thankful for the mother's who unfortunately trudged this path before me. For those who have experienced the loss of a child, I hold them dear in my heart because these beautiful souls got me through the initial grief. Every loss is a different story, a different journey, but to know I wasn't *alone* brought comfort I didn't know I needed at the time. Throughout the years, I've become this person for others who unfortunately had to join this "club" of child loss that no one expects to be a part of...and hopefully, I have helped in some small way.

Next. I am thankful for your siblings...Your older sister had just turned one the week before your birth, so she has little to no recollection of that time. In the time following your death, she was most literally my *saving grace* and the push to get out of bed each day. My unspent love for you was used to create quality time playing outside, creating artwork, and laughing together which helped in more ways than she will ever know or understand. Being a mom was a priority...It was so hard to keep going most days, but at the same time, it's what saved me.

Then, two years later we welcomed your younger sister. I feel like you played a huge part in her arrival since it was pretty much a miracle that she joined our family. She became a bright light in-between cancer diagnoses of myself and your Dad and helped us all push through those difficult times. Your sister never met you, but she loves you and misses you with us like she *knows* you. She is everything we didn't know we needed. She did not replace you or your memory, but she helped mend my broken heart again. 

Further, I'm thankful for your Dad. Our family will always be our #1, and it is never a question that we have each other to depend on. The past decade has not been the easiest, but we've made it a priority to spend our time together exploring the beautiful countryside, giving our family experiences of adventures, laughing together, loving each other and truly enjoying this thing called life. We will continue to appreciate the sunrises and sunsets, to enjoy the change of seasons, to put our feet in the ocean waters or dune sand, listen to our favorite music as loud as possible, and to find the beauty wherever we go. Sometimes that is easier said than done, but we strive to enjoy the small things in life and not get caught up in the mundane.

Finally, Thank *YOU* sweet Waylon. The loss of you broke me, but with great sorrow comes great love. I've had the ability to put myself back together to become who I am today. So, thank you for this softer side of myself. I hold a great amount of empathy for others going through difficult times of any magnitude. It's true that you never know the battle someone next to you is fighting. I do believe this experience has made me be able to relate with others on a deeper level of understanding and the ability to give grace when others need it most. But also, thank you for the stronger version of myself. I hope I can help others know it's okay to show your emotions and to openly grieve, and to know you can rebuild after great loss.

For those new in grief, time does change your grief, but it never fully goes away. You learn to live in a world where a huge piece of you is missing, but you keep moving day to day. The fog of grief is REAL, there's still moments in time right after your loss that is fuzzy in my mind.  I have cried so many tears throughout the years on the missed holidays, celebrations, and "firsts" we never got to experience together. Today, my grief may be different, but the love remains and will always be there. We miss you always...Happy 10th Birthday, Waylon Dean!