Fear

When you lose a child...you also lose your innocence. Unfortunately, now I am completely aware of what could go wrong and how fast your life can change in a single moment.  Anyone who has lost anyone understands this.

I've lost what it's like to have no fear...Now I have constant fears that something will happen to Gracyn...to Hoyt...to me...to the rest of my family. I'm scared to do things I would normally not even blink an eye at.  What does the future hold now?  It all goes back to that same ol' damn question...What Now? 

I am so glad that I was able to experience Gracyn's birth/delivery without knowing what COULD go wrong.  Ignorance IS bliss. However, I will never be able to experience pregnancy again without that fear gnawing at the back of my mind.  A lot of people have already asked, "Will you have another?" I can answer honestly by saying, I don't know.  I don't know if I can handle it mentally/physically again.  Those of you who were around me once we found out about Waylon's diagnosis know how much of a roller coaster it was for us.  We had ups and downs on a daily basis..good news, bad news, good days, bad days.  My health took a turn for the worse, I'd be okay one day and the next have sky-rocketing blood pressure.  Everything was so unknown.  Everything was out of our control, out of our hands.  I don't know if I could do that again or could handle it again without breaking.  Waylon's diagnosis of congenital diaphragmatic hernia had no genetic links that they KNOW of or were found with the amniocentesis...that means chances of it "striking" us again would be less than 2%.  Do I even WANT to risk that?  Like I said again...I now live with FEAR I've never had to deal with before.  I also fear and wonder if my body would be able to hold out again...There has to be a reason why I got pre-eclampsia and went into preterm labor.  Maybe something was/is wrong with ME?  Could I have done something?

By the way having another child is NEVER going to replace Waylon, replace that hole in my heart, or replace our missing part of our family.  I've heard flippant remarks like, "Well they can just have another."  That opens a whole other can of worms.  Remarks like that PISS ME OFF.  Yes, if we choose, we can have another baby but never....never will that child replace what is missing from our family.  People who say comments like that make me want to ask them to choose which of their kids they would get rid of? Not so easy to "just have another," now is it?!

Which leads me to my next issue...Questions like "How many kids do you have?" already throws me off...Do I say 1? 2?  1 on Earth, 1 in Heaven?  Then if I say that...I have to explain and/or the person asking feels awkward.  Should I even care if I make them feel awkward?  If I say 1 I will feel like I'm betraying Waylon and acting like he never existed.  Damn that mother's guilt...it's always lingering. 

All of these questions I never thought I would have to deal with and here we are.  Those of you who know me know how surprised I was when I found out I was pregnant with Waylon.  It took me a long time to accept I was pregnant.  Gracyn was only 6 months old and was just getting over major reflux...they were going to be 14 months apart...I was probably going to go crazy, but love every minute of it.  It took me awhile to get use to this idea, but then I realized Gracyn and Waylon were going to be close, we were going to be done with kids, our family was going to be complete.  Ha....Never make plans because that's when God decides other plans for you.

Now I WISH I was going crazy trying to take care of a one year old and a newborn.  Everything I complained about before seems so miniscule.  Morning sickness, aching back, stretch marks, being exhausted, not having much help with Gracyn, reflux....Oh, how I would take any of these "problems" back just to hold my baby boy in my arms again.  It's hard for me not to get angry when I hear people complaining about things like I USED to complain about. However, I realize that they still have that lucky shield of innocence surrounding them, that they don't know things could be much worse. 

I don't wish this pain on anyone...I just miss my innocence.