Sunday's were my favorite days to spend with my family and relax before the next work week started. I find it comforting that Waylon chose this day of the week to enter the world because it holds a lot of meaning behind it...it's our day as a FAMILY. On that Sunday, our family welcomed our SON and then in a blink of an eye our family gained a guardian angel to forever look over us. But now we adjust with a piece of our family missing here on Earth.
Here is a picture of the sky from that Sunday right after Waylon had passed...
I decided the name for the blog as "What Now?" because that is the question I ask myself constantly...What do I do next? What is the new normal? How do I go on in this new life? My world changed that Sunday and it won't ever go back to what it "use" to be. I lost a part of me...a part of my husband...a part of our family. You don't know, you can't understand, unless you've been here. You immediately feel a hole in your soul. You know immediately you are not the same. It changes every ounce of your being.
I'm still adjusting to this new normal...I wonder if I will EVER get use to it? Grief sneaks up on you and takes a hold on you when you least expect it. A lot of the times for me it's driving down the road, seeing something on TV, a newborn picture on Facebook, or watching Gracyn play knowing she will never have her brother here to play with her. It's not only emotional pain...It causes me physical pain...My heart feels like it will explode out of my chest, so much anxiety...so much pain. Why my baby? That has to be a question asked by every mother who has lost her child. My husband always responds with...Why NOT our baby? There has to be a reason, a meaning behind all of this.
Waylon spent such a short time on Earth...only 30 minutes...during those 30 minutes Doctor's and nurses were trying to save his life. I didn't get to hold him in my arms alive...That hurts. I will never get to see the color of his eyes...Hear his cry...Watch him roll over...Take his first steps...Go to school...Make new friends...Drive his first truck (you know daddy would have made sure it would have been a truck)...Graduate high school. These moments were stolen from me.
So it all goes back to my original question....What Now?
Such a beautiful, straight from the heart post. I did not lose my child in the same ways as you. But I feel like I've asked those questions, cried those unwelcomed tears. My daughter is here with me, living, breathing, getting into everything but I lost some hopes, dreams & expectations along the way, sure I have new ones but it's hard to replace the ones that have been with me since I was a child. I hope this blog helps you along the way & aids in your journey.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand Amanda...it's that loss of "normal" and you have to get used to a new normal. It's that loss of what you planned for and now nothing fits in that plan anymore.
DeleteExactly & everyone tells you it's going to be okay or you are strong & made for the battle, which thankfully I appreciate but I was never asked if I wanted to be strong lol. Thankfully I never really agreed with mainstream normal :).
DeleteI will continue saying it. I love you, you are a wonderful momma, I am proud of you for taking this step, I will be here always with any kind of support I can! I hope you can feel the warmth, love, and hugs being sent your way over the miles.
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