It's insane how a traumatic event makes you take a step back and REALLY look at your life. I don't know if it's where I'm at mentally/emotionally, but at the moment I feel very...inadequate.
My mind is mush...I forget things almost instantly (if you don't believe this, ask my husband). I am not the put-together-super organized-OCD girl I used to be. Not.even.close.
This makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore. It makes me re-evaluate every part of my life. My mind goes from one place to the next at the snap of a finger, as you can probably tell how I bounce from one topic to the next.
I feel like all the roles I "play" in my life right now are not being fulfilled like they should. A huge part of me is trying to deal with grief...and I am going through the motions of daily life, but am I really living?? Thus, I start to doubt myself (where did my confidence go?!) and have started to feel very inadequate.
As a mother...as a wife...as a teacher...as a daughter...as a sister...as a friend.
These are VERY important roles...Dreams I've had for myself (especially the mother part)...and here I am not able to really function...or am I?! I feel like a stranger looking in on someone else's life. Did this really happen, TO ME?
Honestly, I don't know how to act anymore. I have this mask that has taken over to hide the grief I'm dealing with on the inside. I'm not a shy person, but I definitely do not try to initate random conversations anymore or make eye contact with strangers. Small talk makes me incredibly uncomfortable now. It feels so silly to talk about the weather when I'm dealing with a much larger issue that has overtaken my brain (aka grief). But these are NORMAL things of life. I can't just throw out the "I've lost a child card" and sink into a dark hole and not come out for the next few months/years.
I can't stop being a mother to the child who is here with me. The child who I feel has SAVED me these past few weeks. She has helped keep me from falling into a deep hole of self-pity. But there are times I look at Gracyn and I start to think...to wonder...to dream...What would her brother be doing right now if he was here? What would he look like? Would he have her temper? Would he make lil "growl" sounds like her? What would his laughter sound like? And then I can feel my mind start tumbling towards that "grief" area again and I'm lost.
I'm not familiar with this...I'm not an inadequate person that can't keep it together...or so I thought. What happened to me???
I want to thank you putting yourself out there by posting this. It's so weird that you posted this 20 minutes ago and it is exactly what I needed to read. I have been worried that I am going crazy and it is comforting to know I am not alone. I am so sorry about your son. I wish that we weren't struggling through such a horrible thing. I lost my son 5 weeks ago. I was 21 weeks pregnant. You put words to my pain and the awkward moments I have been experiencing. I find myself trying to figure out who I am again. I don't know how to relate to people. I can't seem to settle into acceptance and move forward. I have good days, then the next thing I know I am back in the midst of overwhelming grief. I have 2 kids and related to you about parenting. Communicating with others can be so nerve wracking, I can't find words or complete sentences. I forget names and what I am doing. I feel insecure and unsure. I hear that we will find ourselves again, we will be stronger and we will be ok somehow. I am trying to believe this, but my world has been turned upside down and I don't always believe I will be ok. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hear you and I am so sorry. Thank you for giving me some strength today.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I was able to help just a little...It's so unfortunate that we are going through the same journey though. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a roller coaster in of it's own. I understand about people telling you it's going to be okay one of these days, I hear the same things...but my big question is when?? Our lives have forever changed, it won't ever be the same anymore. I hope that we do end up stronger from all of this. Thank you for your message!
DeleteHey there - I found your blog through ATLCD and, like Angela, want to thank you for putting it out there. Our son Aaron was born sleeping almost six weeks ago and I have actually said many of the same things that you just posted above...basically, "Who is this woman I see in the mirror every day? Where is the me that I used to know??" I have always felt a kind of pride in my super-organized, outgoing, OCD self...and there are days where I can see a glimpse of her, but most days I kind of stumble through and hope that I don't forget or muck up anything too important. :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some really encouraging words, and everyone keeps saying that things will improve over time...but I wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone - this is a post I could have written about where I am these days too. (We sound like similar personalities, so if you want to check out more of Aaron's story and our struggles, I've been blogging at OneAngelsJourney.blogspot.com)
Thank YOU for your message as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone, but at the same time that breaks my heart to know that other people are going through the same things. It's not fair..no one should have to feel this pain! Unfortunately, that is life. I am so sorry about the loss of your son...I am checking out your blog right now!
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